


All Our Befores

by mismatched_ideas



Series: Starting Gun, Photo Finish [10]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Flirting, Love, M/M, Makeouts, Panic Attacks, Public Display of Affection, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Stress, a little cursing, archer!Seung-gil, implied sex, mentions of possible homophobia, not sure what you call what phichit does, olympian AU, public foreplay?, rom com levels of dumb stuff happening, side leoji, side milasara, side viktuuri, tennis player!Phichit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 01:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11658753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mismatched_ideas/pseuds/mismatched_ideas
Summary: Seung-gil doesn't remember when he started measuring his past in times before Phichit but at some point he had. Maybe it was because things always changed when he a Phichit changed and so it was just the easiest way to measure time. Maybe it was because Phichit was just the thing that meant the most to Seung-gil.





	1. Before I Was Yours and You Were Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic takes place between SG and PC's first skype call (Skype, Sleep, and Stress Scene 2) and when SG is distracted in one of their skype calls (SS&S Scene 3).

“And that’s why it’s the best road trip song.” Phichit nodded like the conversation was over. And it kind of was, because Seung-gil didn’t really have anything to add to the conversation given he’d never been on a road trip and knew very little about American music.

“Okay.” Seung-gil was listening to Phichit while also writing notes from the reading he was supposed to have done for tomorrow. He knew they’d be terrible notes but he didn’t want to hang up on Phichit. It was greedy but Seung-gil wanted to bask in as much of Phichit’s warmth as he could. Especially since Seung-gil was starting to feel like he was barely holding on to any hope for a bright future. 

“Mi-na agrees with me.”

“Okay– Wait, what?” Seung-gil looked up from his notes. “Mi-na?”

“You know, your sister.” Phichit raised an eyebrow at Seung-gil. “Black hair, around shoulder length? Eyebrows on point because apparently the Lee family had the secret to perfect eyebrows.”

“Please stop talking about my sister’s eyebrows.”

“I was talking about your eyebrows too.” Seung-gil raised an eyebrow at Phichit, which just sent the other man into a fit of giggles. “But, yah, your sister agrees with me.”

“Firstly, Mi-na has never been on a road trip. Secondly, how is my sister even part of this conversation?”

“We’re friends.” Phichit smiled innocently. “And we never talk about you.”

“What has she been telling you?”

“That you’re really smart and a really good brother.” Seung-gil looked away, hoping Phichit couldn’t see his blush. “And she also told me that you really like some Korean boy band.”

“She didn’t.” Seung-gil gaped at Phichit who just laughed.

“Well, I asked her about it.”

“About what?”

“The poster behind you.”

Seung-gil turned slowly to look at the poster he’d forgotten was visible on his Skype image, cursing himself for forgetting about it.

“So you like boy bands?”

Seung-gil muttered something in Korean about killing Mi-na but Phichit didn’t seem interested anything but Seung-gil’s love for a Korean boy band.

“I like this one, I guess.” Seung-gil crossed his arms, feeling strangely panicky. “One of them is… never mind.”

“What?” Seung-gil shook his head. “Come on, please.”

“No way, ask Mi-na if you want more information.”

“I only want to hear what you have to say, Seung-gil.” Phichit blushed a little. “I mean, I want to hear about you from you.”

“Well…” Seung-gil sighed because, honestly, this was easier to talk about than anything else in his life right now. And if telling Phichit about himself was the way to keep Phichit interested and talking to him, Seung-gil would pay that price without much complaint. 

His conversations with Phichit were one of the other things still keeping him going at the moment and they were the only thing in his life not spiraling out of control. He wasn’t sure he really deserved the chance to talk to someone so earnest and considerate, but Seung-gil would take it while it lasted. 

“Yah?”

“I just think one of the members is… umm… attractive?”

“Oh my god, you think one of them is hot?” Seung-gil had noticed that as Phichit lived in Detroit, his English became more colloquial. He wasn’t sure who he was learning from but based on the American films Seung-gil had watched with Mi-na, he suspected it was a stereotypical white college girl. 

“Yah, I guess. It’s nothing weird.” Seung-gil insisted, not wanting Phichit to think too deeply about the fact that he had a poster in his room. “I like their music too.”

“I think it’s cute that you have a celebrity crush.” Phichit smiled and the genuine nature of it nearly melted Seung-gil heart. He didn’t know what he did to make the universe think he deserved a friend like Phichit but he thanked the clerical error that must have lead to this friendship.

“Thanks.” Seung-gil mumbled, “For not thinking it’s weird.” 

“Why would I think it’s weird?”

“A lot of people do… Some people still think it’s weird that I, yah know…”

“Like guys?” Seung-gil nodded and Phichit smiled. “Well, it would be dumb if I thought that since I’m bi.” 

“Oh.” Seung-gil blinked at the ease of Phichit’s admittance. He was so good at just telling people things about himself without worrying. 

Phichit giggled then glanced at his watch. “Oh, crap, I have to go. I’m going to be late for class.”

“Okay, Phichit.” Seung-gil sighed, wishing they could talk for longer. “Good morning.”

“Good night, Seung-gil.” Phichit smiled, “Get some sleep, okay?”

Seung-gil nodded and gave a little wave before Phichit ended their call. Once he did, Seung-gil looked back at his work. It needed to get done and it needed to get done well.

He probably wouldn’t sleep much that night. 

\---

“And Yuuri doesn’t know about the pictures yet but I think I have to tell him. I am his best friend and it seems wrong to keep them a secret, you know?” Phichit blinked at his camera. “Seung-gil, are you okay?”

“Hmm?” Seung-gil blinked right back at Phichit. “Oh, yah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

“Have you been getting enough sleep.” Seung-gil wasn’t sure how to respond to Phichit’s concern. “Or have you been working too hard?”

“I’m fine.” Seung-gil repeated, feeling suddenly self-conscious about how easily Phichit could read him. 

They’d only been Skyping each other for around a month and a half, and had been talking for a month more than that, but Phichit was already good at reading Seung-gil. He seemed to know when Seung-gil’s frown was just his everyday frown – “here they call that a resting bitch face” – and when he was really upset, like after his dog got sick and he thought she might die. Phichit noticed everything: his frowns, his smiles, and even his moments of blank expressionlessness. 

“Seung-gil,” Phichit whined, leaning towards his camera. “Aren’t we friends?”

Seung-gil blinked at his camera, unsure how to respond. Were they friends? Seung-gil wasn’t sure but that had a lot to do with the fact that he didn’t have friends.

School had never been kind to him and his teammates didn’t like him very much so his ‘friends’ had really only been family members. And since his parents were both only children and he had no cousins, Mi-na was really his only friend. 

In elementary school, he’d had a friend who liked dogs and didn’t mind that Seung-gil didn’t talk much but she’d gone to a different middle school. She’d done a good job of talking for the both of us, especially to other kids, and Seung-gil was happy to have her as a friend.

Then in middle school, she was gone and Seung-gil was left alone with mean classmates and more pressure from both school and archery. He hadn’t had the time to figure out how to make friends. Instead, he learned how to keep his head down and his grades up. 

And now, high school was hellish and there was no room for him to even think about making friends. Archery would have been the best place for him to make friends but he’d never quite figured out how to deal with teammates who hated his skill, his bad interpersonal skills, and his blunt words.

“Are we?” 

Phichit’s face dropped, his voice sounding uncertain even as he forced a smile. 

“Oh, well,” Phichit looked down at his lap, “I guess we don’t really know each other very well and–”

“I didn’t mean we weren’t.” Seung-gil insisted. 

“What?” Phichit looked back up.

“I just didn’t realize you considered me a friend.”

“Really?” Phichit tilted his head to the side. “But I call you almost every day.” 

“Sorry, I don’t really know– I don’t have–” Seung-gil sighed, shaking his head. “We’re friends.”

“Good.” Phichit smiled, his eyes scrunching in the way that let Seung-gil know he really meant it. Then his face was back in a half-serious pout. “Now, to my original point: if I’m your friend then you have to tell me when something is wrong!”

“I do?”

“Yah! I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” 

Seung-gil paused because he didn’t really know how to open up to people. He didn’t open up to his family and he definitely didn’t open up to his teammates. Who else was there? Once in a while, he’d cave to Min-so Park’s prodding questions about his health and mental well-being, but that wasn’t often. 

But Phichit had a way about him that made Seung-gil want to open up. He was bright and nonjudgmental. He knew what to say and when to say it. He was always ready to listen and give his opinion. 

“I’m just stressed, I guess.” Seung-gil shrugged. “There’s just a lot going on with school and archery.” 

Phichit smiled widely and gave Seung-gil a thumbs up, “Well, I believe in you.”

Seung-gil smiled, just slightly, and Phichit thought he looked pretty cute with a smile on his face. Phichit wondered if maybe he should tell Seung-gil how cute he thought he was. 

“Thanks… I should probably go now.”

“Okay, talk later?”

“Talk to you later.”

Not for the first time, while Seung-gil stared at his now silent computer, he wondered whether this burning in his stomach would go away anytime soon. It was just a distraction and he really needed to not be distracted right now.

Especially when he knew this crush would go nowhere. He just needed to convince himself to stop thinking about it.

He just needed to ignore it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I'm back! This was supposed to be exactly one chapter but... things changed. 
> 
> I just found out today that seungchuchu week 2017 is having another week in oct and... well... jesus take the wheel. Whether I do that week with this series or new stuff will really depend on the prompts. 
> 
> Good news, I now have a comprehensive timeline for this fic. Bad news, some of the stuff I wrote didn't work out in any timeline. Like none at all. So I'll be going back to edit some stuff (probably) but it's nothing major. The biggest one is that Phichit could not have started college in the spring instead of fall. It's just not possible. But I did write and edit like 7 fics in like a week so my timelines were really shit. 
> 
> This fic was initially gonna be more Phichit focused but I just love writing Seung-gil too much. Next one will be Phichit, I swear. 
> 
> Oh, if you're reading my other series then I know I said the next fic of that would be out like a week ago but I've had shit internet, haven't been able to edit, and now am wondering if I want to make the fic more than one chapter. 
> 
> Lastly, I don't think this series really needs to be rated mature but like I'd rather be safe than sorry. There really isn't anything more than some implied sexual content and like it's really more teen...


	2. Before I Laid in Your Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phichit smiled a lot but Seung-gil could tell the difference between most of his smiles. There was the one for tennis, the one for his family, and the one that wasn't a genuine smile but instead a painful attempt by Phichit to hide when he was upset. 
> 
> And, of course, there was the smile just for Seung-gil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place after they start dating (failure) but before SG gets accepted to Columbia (Please Answer in a Timely Manner).

“Con- _grad_ -ulations on your _grad_ -uation.” Phichit shouted the moment Seung-gil picked up his Skype call. 

“Thanks.” Seung-gil almost laughed at Phichit’s enthusiasm but didn’t because he was really touched by how excited Phichit was about everything in Seung-gil’s life. “But it’s really not that impressive.”

“Sure it is, school is hard.” Phichit’s smile fell a little. “And you worked hard.”

“You work hard too.” Seung-gil insisted, feeling bad that Phichit always seemed to be praising him and he rarely returned the sentiment. He thought it plenty, thought the world of Phichit, but he was bad at actually saying it. 

“Thanks, babe.” That was Phichit’s newest endearing pet-name and Seung-gil wasn’t sure how he felt about it. On one hand, he felt strange with pet-names in general but on the other, it was nice to have someone who had those kinds of things to say. “So, what’s next?”

“Just waiting. I’ll probably try and get a part-time job while I wait to hear back from colleges. I’m not going to go to a Korean university so now I just wait for the American ones.” He also applied to one in Australia and one in England, but those had sort of been on a whim and Seung-gil didn’t think he wanted to be far away from his family and Phichit. “How’s tennis?”

“Great.” Phichit leaned back, smiling broadly like he did whenever he talked about tennis. Phichit smiled a lot but Seung-gil could tell the difference between most of his smiles. There was the one for tennis, the one for his family, and the one that wasn’t a genuine smile but instead a painful attempt by Phichit to hide when he was upset. And, of course, there was the smile just for Seung-gil. “We still have time but it looks like I should have an easy time qualifying for Rio. What about you?”

“My qualifier is in late July. If I end up in an American school it will be hard but I think it should be fine. I don’t have to be at my best, just good enough.” 

Seung-gil heard himself saying those words but knew they were kind of bullshit. He was a perfectionist when it came to archery and he wasn’t sure it was possible for him to not feel bad about anything less than a personal record. How else could he prove he deserved to be on the South Korean team? How else could he prove he deserved anything?

Phichit squeaked out an excited noise, surprising Seung-gil. “I know you’ll get into all the schools you applied to. And we’ll be so close to each other then!” His face softened, staring with his eyes and moving to his lips. “I get to see you in person after all these years. It’ll be nice to be able to touch you.” 

Seung-gil’s face heat up and so did Phichit’s as he sputtered a little, trying to find his voice.

“I didn’t mean it like that!” Phichit’s face fell into his hands as he giggled a little. “God I’m sorry if that sounded weird.” 

To his surprise as much as Phichit’s, Seung-gil began laughing. It was a low laugh, both in tone and volume. Phichit peaked out from behind his hands, looking at Seung-gil curiously as he laughed. Phichit liked the sound and was a little sad when he stopped. 

“Phichit, I don’t think it was weird.” Seung-gil was still smiling and Phichit felt a burning deep in his stomach when he saw the fondness in Seung-gil’s eyes. “We are dating after all.” 

“I just didn’t want it to seem like I was moving anything too fast,” Phichit said, face still half in his hands. “We’ve only been dating for, like, two months.”

“Didn’t you have a crush on me since we met?”

“Hey, you did too!” Phichit exclaimed, his face emerging fully from behind his hands.

“Well, then, I think we’ve moved slow enough already.”

Phichit laughed, loud and high, the sound ringing out even when it was relayed across countries and oceans and out of Seung-gil’s shitty computer speakers.

“If you say so.” He chuckled, glancing to his right as Seung-gil heard the sound of a closing door. “I guess compared to Yuuri, this is pretty slow.” 

Seung-gil raised an eyebrow at Phichit. He wasn’t exactly interested in gossip but there was something about the way Phichit told stories that make Seung-gil want to know. Also, Phichit had gotten Seung-gil pretty invested in the love life of his roommate, Yuuri Katsuki. 

“That door was definitely Yuuri accidentally slamming his door. Probably because he had Viktor’s back pinned to it right now.”

“They’re together?”

“Not officially but Viktor was in town and I convinced Yuuri to go to the bar he always goes to and if my ears didn’t deceive me earlier, he brought Viktor back to the apartment.” There were a couple of other banging noise from Phichit’s right and he rolled his eyes. “Jesus, those two need to calm down.”

“Good thing you have your own room.”

“Too bad we share a paper thin wall.” Phichit paused for a few moments before getting up to dig through his bag. When he returned, he was shoving headphones into his ears. “I’m glad for them, but, wow, do I not need to know what my best friend sounds like in bed.”

“I could imagine that would be unpleasant.”

Phichit went on for a little while longer, relaying gossip about his friends and teammates. He knew Seung-gil didn't really care but they both knew that Seung-gil could listen to Phichit talk for days. 

Seung-gil sighed when he heard a knock at his door and his sister called to him.

“Mom and Dad said to get off the phone with your boyfriend and come talk to your family.”

Seung-gil rolled his eyes and Phichit giggled. “Well, I’ll let you go. Tell Mi-na I said hi.”

“Tell her yourself,” Seung-gil said petulantly. He would have asked to end the call soon anyway, but he hated being told what to do. “I’ll keep you updated on university.”

“Sounds good.” Phichit leaned forward, his voice and face soft. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Talk to you soon.” Seung-gil hit the end call button and leaned back with a sigh, wondering if he’d really be able to get into university. And wondering whether he really deserved such a perfect boyfriend.

Not that Phichit was perfect, he knew he wasn’t, just… he was the perfect person for Seung-gil. They fit together so well on Seung-gil’s side of things but he couldn’t help but wonder if Phichit felt the same way. What if Phichit felt like there was a mismatch in their relationship? What if Phichit was waiting for the best time to break up with him? It wouldn’t surprise Seung-gil, he’d break up with himself too.

“Big Brother, hurry up,” Mi-na called from the hall, startling him out of his spiral of negative thoughts.

“Coming.” He responded, standing and stretching as he tried his best to not think about all the reasons he felt unworthy of Phichit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovely children.
> 
> \---
> 
> I changed the rating to teen because I can't make decisions. Also because while I edited the fic I realized it was totally teen.


	3. Before I Knew That I Loved You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was something to be said about the contrast between the warmth of Phichit's hands and Seung-gil's cold apartment. There was something else to be said about the contrast between his hands and Seung-gil's cold skin. 
> 
> There was even more to be said about how that contrast made Seung-gil feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small warning, this chapter gets into some shit. self-image issues and self-hate. It's not really said explicitly but also a minor panic attack. Generally a breakdown.
> 
> \---
> 
> This takes place after the airport scene (Please answer in a Timely Manner Scene 3)

Phichit had never actually seen Seung-gil shoot live, so watching his practice was a lot of fun. Additionally, Phichit got to meet Seung-gil’s teammates. It seemed that they liked Seung-gil a lot more than his old teammates had but Phichit thought that might be because the star of the women's archery team seemed intent on being friends with Seung-gil. For his part, Seung-gil seemed to at least tolerate her.

Phichit hoped that having good teammates would make dealing with his old teammates at The Olympics and other international competitions easier. 

“So, you’re Phichit?” The brown-haired woman had seemed to appear out of nowhere next to Phichit while he watched Seung-gil. He jumped a little, having sworn she’d been practicing too only moments before. 

“Oh, hello, yes.” Phichit smiled, trying to catch his breath after the start she gave him. “I don’t think I ever caught your name.”

“Sara.” She smiled, holding out a hand to shake. Phichit blinked at her for a few seconds before smiling and taking her hand. “I’ve heard about you from Seung-gil.”

“He talks about me?”

Sara rolled her eyes. “You’re the only thing he talks about.”

Phichit blushed a little at that, glancing at Seung-gil. He was starting to pack up his equipment but Phichit noticed he kept looking at them, his eyes a little cloudy with concern. He couldn’t be sure if that was because he was worried what Phichit would tell Sara or what Sara would tell Phichit. 

“Sorry, you must be tired of hearing about me.” Phichit laughed. “He’s talked a little about you but I don’t feel like I know much.”

“Don’t worry, he only says good things.” Sara was still smiling widely and Phichit had a hard time telling if it was genuine or if she wanted something from him. Maybe he was getting paranoid after Seung-gil’s terrible teammates in Korea. “And I’m sure he doesn’t have much to say about me.”

“He says you’re annoying.” Sara laughed at that. “But I can tell he appreciates you talking to him.”

“Why wouldn’t I talk to him? We’re teammates.”

Phichit waved a hand at her, not wanting to get into it. Seung-gil could tell his teammates what he wanted and Phichit wasn’t about to step on his toes in that way. 

“I’ve also heard you’re the star archer around here.”

“That’s a little much, we’re all really good at what we do.” Sara looked past Phichit, “Hi Seung-gil, I didn’t know your boyfriend was so pretty.”

Phichit blushed at Seung-gil glared at her, thought Phichit could tell his boyfriend didn’t really mind Sara. Phichit thought they might actually be friends. 

“I hope she’s not bothering you,” Seung-gil said to Phichit, making a point to look like he was ignoring Sara. 

“No, she was just telling me about how you’re always talking about me,” Phichit smirked at Seung-gil who grumbled something and looked away, making Phichit laugh as he leaned backward into Seung-gil. “Aww, I think it's cute.”

Sara laughed too, giving a thumbs up to Seung-gil. “Good job, Seung-gil, you found yourself a real catch. Now I should go before my brother calls the police to see if I’ve been kidnapped.”

“I hope I see you before I leave,” Phichit said, trying to ignore how red his cheeks were. 

“We’ll talk, I’m sure.” She waved at them as she turned, hiking a sports bag higher onto her shoulder. 

“She seems nice.” Phichit smiled at Seung-gil but found he had a cloudy look on his face again, but Phichit wasn’t sure what he could be worrying about. “Want to go back to your apartment?”

\---

Phichit had been in New York for just over two days and other than Seung-gil’s practice, they barely left Seung-gil’s apartment. 

Maybe they were going too fast but even after less than a year of dating, they had both been feeling the distance between them. They were closer now, a car trip between New York City and Detroit was not even ten hours which seemed like nothing after being a world away, but between practice and school, they knew they wouldn’t see each other for a while. If they were lucky they’d see each other again over winter break but even that wasn’t for sure.

Seung-gil felt a little self-conscious about the fact that their kiss in the airport had been his first kiss and that he wasn’t really qualified to be making out with anyone. But he was perceptive and a fast learned so he wasn’t sure Phichit had even really noticed how poorly he’d done the first time they made out. 

So maybe they were moving too fast but Seung-gil was surprised to find he wanted the physical intimacy and if Phichit was offering it he’d take what he could get. This was really his only shot at a relationship with such an amazing person and he didn’t want to screw it up.

And Phichit was beautiful, his hands warm against Seung-gil’s cold skin. Even now, when he felt almost like he was on fire, Seung-gil could still feel the difference in the temperatures of their skin, the contrast interesting but also adding to the entire sensation of having Phichit touch him. 

Phichit was beautiful and Seung-gil had known that already but it seemed like the only thing he could think about right now. Enough so that when their lips parted for a moment, Seung-gil told Phichit exactly that. 

But the more Seung-gil thought about how beautiful his boyfriend was, the more Phichit’s response that he was beautiful too seemed wrong. Because he wasn’t beautiful and especially not next to Phichit. And while Seung-gil had never dated anyone, or had any sort of physical intimacy with anyone, he doubted someone like Phichit would be the same. He had no idea what dating was like as a teenager in Thailand but Phichit had been in college for four months before they started dating which seemed like plenty of time for him to have at least gotten some experience with _someone_.

Someone better than Seung-gil, he was sure. 

He tried to get those thoughts out of his head when Phichit tugged at the hem of his shirt and Seung-gil obliged, letting him pull the shirt off. He trusted Phichit, he really did, and he knew that he shouldn’t doubt Phichit.

But he doubted himself. 

“Seung-gil.” Phichit murmured but Seung-gil could only think about how cold his skin was, how cold his apartment was right now. When Phichit took off his shirt all Seung-gil could think was that he looked cold and so out of place in Seung-gil apartment. 

He just wanted his mind to shut up for a few minutes, for him to stop thinking but Seung-gil had never stopped thinking in his entire life. 

He thought about how to do the exact right amount of school work to continue getting high grades. About how to do well in archery without any support from his teammates. How to evade punishments that he knew he’d get because he got nervous in class and that was the only time his mind would fall silent, right at the moment when he needed it the most. 

If his mind could quiet down, for now he could be happy. He could lose himself in the feeling of Phichit pressed against him. He could lose himself in the feeling of Phichit’s lips on his neck and his hands wandering lower and lower. 

But he couldn’t lose himself, couldn’t ignore his own feeling that Phichit must have had better experiences than Seung-gil would ever be. He couldn’t ignore the explosive fear in his buzzing mind. He trusted Phichit, he really did, but…

“No.” Seung-gil gasped, “Wait– I can’t–”

Phichit stopped, shifting out of Seung-gil’s lap and looking at him worriedly. 

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” He looked uncertainly at Seung-gil as the other man folded in on himself, curling up on his side and trying to stop the burning he was feeling behind his eyes. “I’m sorry, I should have made sure you were okay.” 

“I’m sorry.” Seung-gil’s voice was quiet and hoarse as he tried to stop himself from crying. “I’m just so– I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I just wanted– I just wish–” He cursed his mind because of course now it would stop shouting at him all the things he was feeling. Of course, right now it would decide to leave him alone with his half formed concerns and a formlessly buzzing anxiety. “I want this.”

“You don’t have to want this.” Phichit reached out, touching Seung-gil lightly but he pulled his hand back when Seung-gil flinched away from him. “Seung-gil, please talk to me.”

“I just can’t stop fucking thinking.” His voice was too loud, he knew his voice was too loud. He was practically shouting at Phichit and he didn’t want to be doing that. 

“About what?”

“About how I fucking hate myself!”

Seung-gil took a shaky breath, curling into a tighter ball with his back to Phichit. He never wanted to say that out loud, not to Phichit. He hated talking about what he worried about and how poorly he viewed himself because the few times he did, the only response he ever got was people assuring him he was wrong. Which wasn’t what he needed. He didn’t tell people what he hated about himself because he was fishing for compliments or wanted to be told he was wrong. And even though he knew he probably was wrong, he knew it was just his mind trying to convince himself of things that probably weren’t true, he didn’t need someone to tell him he was wrong.

“About how I’ll never be good enough.” He whispered, wondering if Phichit could even hear him. Wondering why he had to screw up their short time together. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Phichit wasn’t sure how to comfort Seung-gil without touching him. Especially when he didn’t know what to say to someone who just told you what Seung-gil told him. “I’m here, okay? You’re good enough for me, yah know?” 

Seung-gil breathed carefully as Phichit fell silent, feeling a little better now that he said what he was thinking out loud. He didn’t really like talking about himself, didn’t like telling people things, but sometimes it felt good to say it out loud. He’d probably regret it later, but for now, it felt good. 

“I want you to tell me when you’re worrying about things.” Phichit finally continued and Seung-gil wasn’t sure if he’d just been thinking of something to say or if he’d been waiting to see if Seung-gil would talk. 

“I know… I trust you, I really do but I can’t trust myself.” He still couldn’t turn over, couldn’t bear to look at Phichit. “I just never know whether what I think is true or not. And I get so worried that everything I feel is one-sided.”

“Seung-gil, I wouldn't stay with you if I didn’t want to.”

“I know.”

“But you don’t.” Phichit replied crossly, “And if I have to say that every day for your to believe it, then I will.” Phichit’s voice softened. “I’ll do anything you need to be reassured. I want you to be happy too.”

“I am happy.” Slowly, Seung-gil turned over to look at Phichit. “I’m so happy.”

“I am too.” Phichit laid down so they were at eye level with each other. “And I’m happy no matter how fast or slow you need to go. I know you’d do the same for me.”

“Thank you,” Seung-gil whispered, shifting so he was closer to Phichit, his face almost pressed into Phichit’s chest. “Do you mind if we just stay like this?”

Phichit hesitantly put an arm around Seung-gil to pull him closer. When he didn’t move away, Phichit tightened his hold on Seung-gil, leaning his chin on the top of the other man’s head. 

“Of course I don’t mind. This is perfect.”

“Thank–”

“Thank you.” Phichit interrupted. “For telling me something was wrong.”

Seung-gil almost told Phichit that he loved him, the words were on his lips but he couldn’t find the courage to say them aloud. 

He wasn’t that brave. Not yet. 

Phichit pulled a blanket over them because of the cool apartment and soon they’d both drifted off to sleep. Seung-gil felt like he might be pretty lucky to have Phichit and that maybe he could believe Phichit when he said Seung-gil wasn’t any of the negative things Seung-gil thought about himself. He couldn’t be sure Phichit was right, but at least for the moment his mind had fallen silent and had stopped analyzing their relationship and where Seung-gil was lacking. At least for the moment, Seung-gil felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this fic really wasn't supposed to get to this place. I swear there's less pain in the next chapter.


	4. Before Our Forever Would Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phichit really wanted them to take this vacation and he really wanted some alone time with Seung-gil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot I still had to post this chapter. 
> 
> \---
> 
> This takes place a bit more than a year before Birthdays Like Sand.

The only things left they had to do was qualify for Tokyo and Phichit knew they both would. They were both the top of their sports and there was no way they wouldn’t qualify unless, god forbid, one of them was injured. 

And maybe that was why they both agreed they could take the week after Seung-gil’s graduation off for a trip. Seung-gil’s parents had returned home, both a little unhappy that Seung-gil wasn’t planning to move back to South Korea now that he graduated, and Phichit wanted to be somewhere romantic with his boyfriend. Phichit loved Seung-gil’s parents, they were both very sweet people who obviously cared about their son a lot, but it was stressful to feel like he had to be a host for them. They’d been in New York City for two weeks and while Phichit and Seung-gil both had practices to get to, Seung-gil had a lot more. And he’d still had to take finals when they arrived. So, a lot of the hosting had fallen to Phichit.

He didn’t mind it, he really didn’t, but he wanted some alone time with Seung-gil who was stressed about his upcoming qualifier. He got anxious every year, not because of the archery but because it meant seeing the South Korean team again. At this point, there were a lot of new people on the team who didn’t dislike him, many of them looked up to him, but there were still some. And Phichit knew that Seung-gil felt bad about leaving his original coach, who seemed to care about Seung-gil like he was her son.

“Okay, Mr. Statistician,” Phichit smirked at his boyfriend, “What do you think the odds are that we’re going to leave our room tomorrow.”

“Phichit, we’re in public.” Seung-gil blushed, looking around their quiet train car.

“Oh come on,” Phichit leaned in towards his boyfriend, “Doesn’t that make it more exciting.” 

“Phichit,” Seung-gil warned again. “There are kids like five meters away.”

“I’m not saying anything bad.” Phichit smiled innocently, fluttering his eyelashes. “I was obviously just talking about sleeping tomorrow.” 

“Yah, sure you were.” Seung-gil rolled his eyes, looking out the window and wondering if this week would be any good. He knew he wasn’t always the easiest person to deal with, especially when he was stressed. 

It was times like this that Phichit worried about Seung-gil. He could see the other man get lost in his own thoughts, his mind probably telling him lies about how he wasn’t worth Phichit’s time.

“Seung-gil, sweet-pea.” Seung-gil turned to look at Phichit, who smiled brightly and intertwined their fingers. “What’re you thinking about.” 

“I don’t want to be stressed the entire week.” 

“You’re not a bother,” Phichit said, knowing what Seung-gil was thinking in a way that still amazed the other man. “And I’m happy to spend a week with you no matter what.”

“Thanks.”

Phichit wished he could whisk away all of Seung-gil worries but it was hard when he barely understood them himself. Sure, he worried, but not like his boyfriend. Phichit had worried after they first met that Seung-gil hadn’t liked him, that he had found Phichit annoying. 

That was Phichit’s usual fear when he met new people or started a new relationship, not that he’d dated many people. 

His first girlfriend, they’d been fifteen at the time and probably too young to be dating, had broken up with him after declaring he was ‘annoying’ and ‘clingy.’ She said he was too serious for her. His first boyfriend, that relationship had been a short fling a month after starting college and just after his call with Seung-gil, had called him ‘flighty’ and ‘selfish.’ He said Phichit cared too much about sex. 

Phichit couldn’t tell if it was just different people’s opinions, or maybe just being older, or if his first relationship had so completely changed how he acted.

With Seung-gil, though, it only took him a few months of dating to stop worrying that Seung-gil found him annoying. He felt he knew Seung-gil well enough to know that he wouldn’t stay around if he didn’t like Phichit. Seung-gil didn’t make time for people he didn’t value. 

“Phichit?”

“Yah?” Phichit looked curiously at Seung-gil as their train slowly pulled into the last stop. 

“I love you.”

Phichit smiled, kissing Seung-gil on the nose. “I love you too.”

As they got off the train, Phichit’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out with the hand not holding onto Seung-gil. 

“Oh, it’s Yuuri. He sent a picture. I know he and Viktor were at a–” Phichit came to a full stop, dragging Seung-gil to a stop with him. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, look!” Phichit shoved his phone into Seung-gil’s face and he blinked at the screen for a while before the image began making sense.

In it was Phichit’s old roommate, Yuuri, and his boyfriend, Viktor. Viktor was smiling wider than Seung-gil had ever seen, and that man smiled almost as much as Phichit, and next to him Yuuri was smiling sheepishly. They both had their hands raised and suddenly Seung-gil figured out what he was looking like.

“It was bound to happen.” He commented, handing back the phone. 

“I know, but those two are bad at talking about their relationship… wait, he’s sending me a text.” Phichit looked about to faint. “I can’t believe him!” 

“What?”

“Yuuri was the one who proposed! He never even told me he was going to.” Phichit was pouting. “And I can’t believe those two would pick out such flashy gold rings. Silver is much better.” 

“They’re a pretty flashy couple.” Seung-gil pointed out, thinking about how they were well known for being caught in compromising positions. Usually when one of them was drunk. Sometimes when both of them were drunk. Occasionally when they were both sober.

“Good point.” Phichit sighed, typing out a message to Yuuri before putting his phone away. He leaned into Seung-gil, using his free hand to grab onto Seung-gil’s arm and letting go of Seung-gil’s hand so that he could put his other arm around Seung-gil waist. “But seriously, I think silver rings are much nicer. Did I ever show you Guang Hong and Leo’s rings? Talk about flashy. They got platinum with a small diamond in the metal. But I guess that kind of fits them. Man, all my shy friends end up proposing and proving me wrong. You know I had a bet running that Leo would propose and I had one that Viktor would propose. I guess I have a bad record.”

Seung-gil chuckled even though he was nervously wondering how Phichit felt about marriage. “Well, I hear Sara is going to propose to her girlfriend when she graduates next year.”

“I think Mila is going to propose,” Phichit said matter-of-factly. “She’ll do it this year, after Sara’s qualifiers.”

“I doubt it.”

“I’ll bet you.” Phichit looked up at Seung-gil with a competitive smile, the one he wore at every tennis match. “Five dollars says Mila will propose.”

“Make it ten,” Seung-gil responded, the two of them looking for their luggage.

“You’re on.”

The next year they’d find out they were both a little wrong, though Seung-gil still won the bet. Sara did propose but she did it at the Olympics, not at Mila’s graduation. 

\---

“Checking in under Phichit Chulanont.” Phichit smiled at the pretty receptionist who blushed a little and started to fumble with her computer. Seung-gil noticed Phichit had that effect on a lot of people. Strangely, he wasn’t jealous, though. He had thought he would be but instead, he was proud that Phichit was his. And, more importantly, that he was Phichit’s. 

“Here’s your key.” She smiled, “You’re in room 414. You two on your honeymoon?”

Phichit laughed but Seung-gil only blushed next to him. “No, not quite yet. Just a vacation. This one just graduated from college and we wanted some time away.”

“Oh, well, congratulations.” She smiled at Seung-gil who nodded solemnly.

“Thank you.” 

“I hope you enjoy your stay and feel free to ask if you need anything.”

“We will.” Phichit gave her a little wave and pulled Seung-gil towards the elevators. 

On the way up they shared the elevator with another couple and Phichit still barely could keep himself under control. His hand that had been on Seung-gil waist and very outside his clothes had migrated to Seung-gil’s hip and much less outside his clothes.

Speaking in Korean so the couple couldn’t understand that, at least Seung-gil hoped, he gave Phichit a look. “ _There are literally two people standing next to us_.”

“ _Baby_ ,” Phichit whined. “ _They aren’t even looking. Though I don’t know how._ ”

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“Have you looked at yourself? It’s no wonder I can’t keep my hands off of you.” Emboldened by their assumption the other couple couldn’t understand them, Phichit didn’t even whisper what he was saying. “ _How about while we wait, I tell you what I’m planning for tonight?_ ”

Phichit had taken some classes while he was living in New York and had picked Korean up quickly. Then he’d started watching Korean dramas which really helped him with the less utilitarian phrases he wanted to know. Seung-gil also knew some of his favorite phrases had been looked up by him specifically to drive Seung-gil crazy. 

Seung-gil sometimes regretted that Phichit had learned Korean because there was something about his Thai accent mixed with the American accented Korean he’d been taught that was immeasurably hot. 

They arrived on floor four and were both a little frustrated to find the other couple was also getting out on this floor. They walked next to each other in awkward silence, realizing that they both had rooms across from each other at the end of the hallway

The man in the other couple had already entered their room when the woman turned, smirked at the other couple, and spoke in Korean. 

“ _Happy honeymoon._ ”

Phichit stood in the door, still mid-tug and looking horrified. Seung-gil rolled his eyes and pushing his panic down.

“Sorry for him.”

She laughed, “I’m not worried. I’m glad you two are having a good time.” She held out a hand and Seung-gil reached over to shake it even though he felt immensely awkward. “I’m Mariya, by the way.” The man appeared back in the doorway and she gestured at him. “This is my husband Georgi.”

“I’m Seung-gil.” Seung-gil glanced at Phichit, who seemed to finally get his senses back. Thank god too, because Seung-gil wasn’t sure how much longer he was going to be able to keep this up. 

“I’m Phichit.” He took her hand to shake it too. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s really okay.” She smiled at her husband. “We weren’t much better when we were your age.”

“We weren’t dating when I was their age.” Georgi pointed out. “And sweetheart, you are their age.”

“I doubt that.” She smiled at them, “How old are you two?”

“Twenty-three.” Phichit responded, “I’d ask you guy but that seems rude.”

“Not at all.” Mariya laughed again, her long blonde hair bouncing a little. Phichit thought she seemed like a very nice woman. “My Zhora is thirty-one and I’m twenty-five.”

“She’s twenty-four,” Georgi told them, smiling when she hit him lightly. He was a tall man and looked even taller next to his tiny wife. “She really wants everyone to think she’s older but when she turns thirty you can bet she’ll suddenly be twenty-four again.”

“You’re mean.” She pouted and Georgi put an arm around his wife.

“Well, it was nice meeting you two. I’m not sure what you said earlier but you sure peaked Mariya’s attention.”

Phichit and Seung-gil both blushed which made Georgi laugh. He seemed like the kind of guy who would be a good friend and probably a really good listener.

“It was nice to meet you too,” Mariya said, winking. “ _And have a little fun tonight._ ”

They disappeared into their room, leaving Phichit and Seung-gil in silence. After a long moment, Phichit started laughing as he dragged Seung-gil into their room.

“Phichit, this is why I tell you not to do things like that.”

“Oh, come on Seung-gil, she was very nice about it.” Phichit sat Seung-gil down on the bed, not letting him unpack any of their luggage. 

“We were in public.” Seung-gil kept going. “They were strangers and now they know…”

“Honey, it’s not like they cared. And only Mariya even understood.”

“It was embarrassing.” Phichit turned to look at Seung-gil, who was blushing deeply and looking at his lap. His eyes were cloudy and he was tapping his foot.

“Oh, sweetpea, I’m sorry.” Phichit walked over and sat in Seung-gil’s lap, wrapping his legs around Seung-gil waist and sliding his arms around Seung-gil’s neck. “I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable.” 

“I know.”

Phichit leaned in to kiss Seung-gil lightly and the other man returned it. 

“I’m still sorry, I should listen to you when you’re uncomfortable.”

Phichit hated that he was like this. Selfish and clingy. He cared too much about sex and he was too intense. He was annoying.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Phichit leaned his chin onto Seung-gil’s shoulder, feeling like he screwed up. “I shouldn’t do that to you.”

“I’m not angry.” Seung-gil pointed out.

“But I made you unhappy.” Phichit turned and kissed Seung-gil ear. “And I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.” Seung-gil finally said. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I’m just really happy to spend time with you,” Phichit confessed quietly, his voice almost disappearing into the hum of the hotel room. “Am I too much?”

“Never.” Seung-gil insisted. “I love you just the way you are.”

“Really?” Phichit asked. “Even when I’m annoying?”

“You’re never annoying.” Seung-gil laughed quietly, “Except maybe when you’re trying to be. Or when you steal my sweatshirts.”

Phichit laughed, smiling into Seung-gil’s shoulder as he tightened his grip on Seung-gil’s shirt. “I love you.”

“I know, I love you too.” 

“Hey, Seung-gil?”

“What?”

“Why didn’t you correct Mariya?”

“Hmm?”

“She thought we were on our honeymoon, why didn’t you correct her?”

“I guess I wasn’t thinking about it.” Seung-gil shrugged, careful not to disturb Phichit’s head too much. “I was thinking more about how mortifying it is to know someone was listening to you try and flirt with me on the elevator.” 

“Try? Rude.” Phichit laughed again. “I never try to flirt, I just flirt.”

“Sure you do.” Seung-gil laughed, but his mind was still on Mariya’s assumption about their relationship status. It was the second time in only a handful of minutes that the assumption had been made, which seemed strange to Seung-gil.

He was surprised how easy it was for people to see them as husbands. 

Could he see them married? He wasn’t sure because he had a hard time thinking about what marriage even meant. 

Did he love Phichit? Yes, of course, he did. Did he want to be with him forever? He was pretty sure that was a yes too. Was there anything else to marriage? Did you need anything other than love and a wish to be together forever? 

Seung-gil liked living with Phichit. He liked waking up next to him in the morning and going to sleep next to him at night. He liked when they would sit quietly, doing different things but enjoying each other’s company. He liked when they both had other things to do and couldn’t see each other but they still made sure to text every so often. He liked that they always when to brunch on Sundays at way too early for brunch and they’d both get lunch food even though it was eight in the morning. 

“How’s this for flirting?” Phichit asked, reminding Seung-gil that Phichit was sitting right in front of him, on his lap. And now he was peppering Seung-gil’s jaw line with kisses. 

“That’s not flirting, you’re just kissing me.” Seung-gil pointed out. 

“I’d like to see you do better.”

With all his strength, which was a considerable amount of strength, Seung-gil flipped them over and smirked at a slightly shocked Phichit.

“What? Need a kiss?” Seung-gil leaned down to kiss Phichit for a few seconds, before pulling away, the smirk still on his face.

“That was definitely better,” Phichit mumbled, pulling Seung-gil down so he could kiss him again.

\---

When Seung-gil got out of the shower he was surprised Phichit still wasn’t in the bathroom getting ready. He’d gotten out first specifically because it took him longer to get ready and he’d never returned to the bathroom. At first, Seung-gil thought he was just doing his makeup in the bedroom but his makeup bag was still in the bathroom. 

“Phichit, is something wrong?” Seung-gil asked, drying his hair as he left the bathroom. It was starting to get a little long and he’d have to cut it before his next competition. He hated it being even near his eyes, let alone in them. “Phichit?”

When he rounded the corner, Seung-gil snorted, smiling as he did. 

Phichit had managed to get his pants on but that was it, now he was lying shirtless on the bed, fast asleep. He wasn’t even all the way on the bed, having obviously sat on the edge of the mattress for some reason and then had fallen asleep with his legs still hanging off the side of the bed. 

Seung-gil put his towel down and proceeded to do his best to get Phichit dressed in his nightclothes. He managed to get his sweatpants on but the shirt wasn’t going to happen so Seung-gil left him shirtless, picking Phichit up so he could move him under the covers. It was only nine at night but Phichit had been up since five. Seung-gil also knew he’d taken hosting Seung-gil’s parents very seriously and had been tiring himself out with worry about every little thing. 

Seung-gil parents weren’t especially intimidating and they loved Phichit, but Phichit was nothing if he wasn’t extremely accommodating. He thought of other people first almost constantly and anytime he thought about himself first, he became quickly regretful. 

Seung-gil loved him.

Obviously, that wasn’t a revelation, he’d known that for years, but it meant so much more in this moment.

He got changed and crawled into bed next to Phichit, deciding he didn’t mind waking up hungry if he got to lay next to Phichit for a little. He felt the smile on his face, soft and loving in a way he never thought was possible for him. He was still not sure, not always, but it was getting better. Phichit did everything in his power to make sure Seung-gil knew he was wanted, that he was loved, and Seung-gil appreciated it. 

He knew it wasn’t easy to be with someone who needed reassurance about little things, especially since Phichit didn’t always understand why Seung-gil felt the way he did. And yet Phichit was still there and was getting good at telling when Seung-gil was letting his self-doubt get the better of him. He always knew when he needed to whisper into Seung-gil’s ear that he loved him and that Phichit always be there for him. 

“I love you so much.” He murmured to his sleeping boyfriend, reaching out to brush hair out of Phichit’s face so he could see him better. “I love your laugh and your frowns and I love your nicknames for me.” He leaned over to kiss Phichit on the forehead. “And I’m going to marry you.”

Phichit murmured something and Seung-gil froze, afraid he’d heard him. But then Phichit simply shifted, reaching out in his sleep like he had begun to do only a month after they started living together. Whenever he thought Seung-gil was too far away, or when he didn’t have something to hug in general, he’d reach out even though he was fast asleep. If he still didn’t find anything to cling to, he sometimes started to make whimpering noises. Seung-gil didn’t really understand why Phichit did that but it was really cute and he didn’t mind. 

“Okay, okay.” He muttered, pulling Phichit towards him so Seung-gil had one arm around him and their foreheads were almost touching. 

Seung-gil knew he wouldn’t propose just yet, he wasn’t sure he had the courage just yet, but he wanted to be the one to do it. He knew most of their friends and family assumed Phichit would propose and maybe he wanted to surprise them. 

Maybe he just really wanted to be the one to do something first because he had had a crush on Phichit but waited. He loved Phichit but waited.

He was going to wait again, but not for long. He just needed a good plan.

And a pair of silver rings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, look at that, 4 chapters and 4 days! Thanks for taking this journey with me :D
> 
> Love these two so much and it felt so good to write them again \\(^O^)/


End file.
